Here are my two guys out to take on the world.Imagine me letting them walk out into the wild without giving them some kind of instruction! That is what this blog is for - to help all of us be better able to advise, encourage, guide, and assist our sons (and daughters) before we send them off to find their way in the world...
Thank you for the first two comments - I know others will have something to say after reading them. I am going to keep coming back to my two basic questions for this conversation.
1) How/when did you learn about the facts of life
2) How do you wish you would have learned?
Many men reading this are getting ready to have this conversation for the first time with their sons. Your memories of what did work and what did not work will help tremendously. Note to mantoman (read his first comment in last post) How did you learn about the facts of life if your father did not speak to you about it? And do you wish you would have found out another way?
I remember a kid I walked home with almost everyday in 7th grade. He seemed to know everything and, according to what he said, had to have been the most sexually active kid in the school (he was lying, of course). I cringe to think of the things he told me and, like So Cal Padre, it pulled me in the direction of objectifying women. Not good.
I agree that life lessons are not learned in short or long conversations, but a word of advice from your father certainly would not have hurt - right? It is easy to assume our sons will just come up and ask us if they have a question but that is what they do with peers - not their dad.
In future posts I will share as much as I can with you about my first (and ongoing) conversation with my son. My challenge will be to preserve his privacy so that he does not sue me when he is older! (Ha Ha) This much I can share right now: We had 200 miles to drive that night. He was in the passenger seat and everyone else was sound asleep. It was a perfect setting.
So Cal Padre, (and you other readers!) when you have time, please write a bit about how your Dad brought up the subject, what was the setting, what you might recall him saying and if that worked - at least as an introduction to the subject matter. You already know by what I've written I totally agree with you that other conversations would have helped - what questions you have in 6th grade are very different from the kind of questions you have as a graduating senior.
It's late and I gotta be up early tomorrow. I look forward to hearing your comments. Feel free to forward this blog to other men you know. I will check comments to publish them as time allows. And if I do not post again for a few days or longer - know that I am just being a dad.
4 comments:
My friend Tony Medeiros passed on your blog and thinks highly of you.
I thought I’d post a few thoughts. I only ask that for the sake of respecting my thoughts this either be posted in it's entirety, unedited, or not be posted, respecting whatever reasons you have.
I've been married for 27 years; have 2 adult daughters and an amazing wife. My spiritual journey began in the Roman Catholic Church, then into evangelical/fundamentalism, and has entered a more contemplative chapter with the Practice of The Presence of God, and influences like Chuck Smith Jr, Anthony DeMello and Brennan Manning. Then there’s the latest voice in my spiritual journey…
I just finished reading a book, "Crazy for God" by Frank Schaeffer, the memoirs of a man who was an early influence on me, and has become an influence again in his honesty and transparency of what it means to live a spiritual life.
Please note, this book is earthy, gritty, not for the overly pious (though a little shock would do us pietistic types some good every once in a while). Don’t look for it in “Christian” bookstores. Check Borders, Barnes & Noble or your favorite local merchant.
Anyhow, if you read it, there is a part in the story about how Frank got his girlfriend pregnant, married her, and was surrounded by a community which was pro-marriage, honest about their struggles in raising families, and took the long view that a Jesus-centered life is truly a great thing no matter how messy and imperfect that may be. I especially love the fact that Frank’s dad, the late evangelical theologian Dr. Francis Schaeffer of L’Abri, along with his wife Edith, loved and defended their son and daughter-in-law when all the religious ones around them were calling on them to “make an example” of Frank. Simply put, Francis and Edith treated the young couple as any of us would want to be treated, with love and support, moving on from a less than stellar beginning and track record.
Frank Schaeffer’s marriage and family have endured through many rough patches, probably much like your own.
So, my opinion is this.
In order to raise kids, help them experience God’s best and be the kind of people Jesus knows we can be, it all happens with loving God and others, erring on the side of compassion. It starts with each of us men, in how we treat our wives, how we treat our kids, and how we treat those within an inch of our touch in every moment of every day. The truth is, if you or I screw up, we can start this very moment to change, for the better, and that is in truly recognizing that each of us is wonderfully created in the image of God, and that the forgiveness of God through Jesus is ours right now.
Then, go fix what needs fixing. Apologize to your wife, your kids, be less swaggering and more humble. Jesus is the one best example Who challenges me every day!
If this post finds value then I only hope each who reads it will focus on the love of God, even at the expense of His justice. Leave that to Him. We can never err too much on the side of kindness, mercy and compassion. God unfairly tips the scales in our favor every moment, so can we do any less for our families or ourselves?
Thanks,
grendal hanks
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The facts of life I learned during my youthful years came from the people around me. The sad truth is that my dad was more of an example of what not to do. Important principles of living are something I absorbed from people like my mom, teachers, family friends and relatives. Do I wish I learned about life differently when I was young? Absolutely. I wish I had a relationship with my dad. I wish we spent quality time together. I wish he was an example of the kind of man I want to be. Do I wish I could have had his advice? Not really. I wish I could have received advice from a dad I respected and admired. Boy, that's a lot of wishing. Its now 12:03a.m. and I wish you a happy new year! I just finished putting some ice on my son's swolen surgery remnants and now I wish for some shut eye. Until next time...mantoman.
Glad for this subject being covered. I am 48 years old and here is the memory I have of the closest I came to having a talk with my father about sex. I was eleven or twelve and had been playing outside and came running in for supper. My mother told my father I had 'seen the slideshow in school' that day. He looked at me and asked: "Oh, you did, did you? So... any questions?" Right there in front of my mother and my sister! I said 'No." and he never asked me if I had any questions again.
I wish my father would have taken me aside in private and asked if I had any questions. The slide show told me about the parts of the body needed for a baby to start growing, but it did not explain the act itself. If my father had asked me in private I would have asked the one question that was nagging at me the most: "How did the sperm reach the egg?"My guess at that young age was he must have urinated on my mother. This was gross to think but it shows how naive I was back then AND how important it is to be sure MY OWN child has every chance to ask me any question at all.
J.J. Arizona
Thank you for inviting me. This is good and important. I have 4 kids and my oldest is a boy...and turning 12 in March! Perfect timing for all of this. If anyone has not had a chance to read "Wild at Heart" by John Eldredge, it's a good one. It's about being a man and raising a man. Another good book I found is "Raising a Modern-Day Knight" by Robert Lewis. It is along the same lines, but gets in to virtues even further.
As far as my "Facts of life" learning...it was kind of a little joke in our house. I am the youngest of 3 boys, so my oldest brother supposedly went out into the desert with dad, to have "The Talk." Not sure if he ever did. (Maybe he'll tell us if he reads this.) Then, my next brother supposedly got in the car to go out in the desert for "The Talk." Not sure if they had the talk. When it came to my turn, as I reached that age, my dad said that I probably already heard it all from my 2 brothers. Then every once in while dad would joke about threatening to take me out in the desert for "The Talk" if I said something stupid a jr. high kid would say.
I think I learned the hard way, like most of the guys I know. From older brothers, friends and friends' older brothers. I really don't blame my dad or feel like I missed out on something, because I don't know what I needed. I also think that most dads from my dad's generation, didn't really know what to do or say. They sort of just worked, came home, did paperwork, fell asleep in the chair and thought that was enough.
We did share some good "guy" memories and times on any camping trips, though. However, not of the "facts of life" learning experiences.
I was forced to go to CCD and Youth Groups as a kid and as I think back, they were both good for and important enough to give me the solid base I needed to provide substance to the good old Catholic guilt that mom passed down to us. I had good youth ministers, adults and young adults, including my 2 brothers, to help me along the right path and do the right things.
I'm lucky...and blessed.
I definitely have a deeper and closer relationship to my kids, especially my oldest (becasue he understands more at this point) than my dad and I had. I think I ma a bigger influence and I am more conscious of that too. (No pressure there.) I remeber the first time my wife said, "You know he looks up to you." I crapped my pants. It neve dawned on me that my kid would.
Enough blogging! I'm looking forward to this blog and this group.
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