Dear MJP,
I belong to a religious community and am sending this e-mail to you from our place across the ocean. I joined this community an early age and am now over 65. Francis, another member of our community, and I stayed up talking at the kitchen table one night. I am sending this to share a little of what we spoke about that night along with some of my reflections. When Francis and I had this conversation, I was in my fifties and Francis was in his eighties.
Francis, who has since passed away, was the oldest of three siblings. He grew up in the northern part of the state of Vermont back in the 20’s. His mother died when his younger brother was only two or three. His grandfather arranged for a young women who, had just decided to leave the convent, to come and be "housekeeper and cook" for a man with three children. If this sounds like the screenplay for "The Sound of Music," that's exactly what it was. This young woman, brought to the family the only thing she knew - the strict, rigid "order" that she had learned.
She fixed dinner for the children, oversaw homework, put them to bed and then fixed dinner for their father. As you can expect, she and the father eventually married but there was never much easy communication between any of them. Francis eventually joined our community after high school.
He told me that growing up there was never any opportunity to have any discussions about almost anything - let alone sex. Francis picked up from his family the notion that these things were just never discussed. Even when he began to physically mature and the testosterone was surging through his body there was NOBODY to talk to about these new experiences. His family's unspoken reticence to avoid these matters inhibited him from even talking to his school peers.
When Francis developed difficulty urinating because he had not been circumcised it was the doctor who explained a few of the basics - mostly about keeping "private parts" clean. That's all that he ever got. When he told me this he was saying, "I didn't have anybody to talk to like you and I are doing now. There is still so much I never knew and don't even know if I know now!"
At that time he was probably 80 years old and this was the FIRST time he had been able to speak to anybody about these matters.
It moved me to tears: the fact that he had spent his entire life filled with all kinds of questions and didn't know how to bring it up in conversation. He was truly an innocent, naive person his entire life but would have loved to have had to opportunity to have some of his questions answered before he turned 90!
In some ways, my own situation parallels his in that I would have loved to have had the opportunity to speak with my father about these matters. But that never really happened. One time it came close when my best friend and I were watching TV. We were both probably still in grammar school - maybe 11 or 12 years old. I don't know what the TV program was but there must have been SOME reference to reproduction or sexuality (however vague it was allowed to be on TV in the '50s) and my father heard the dialogue and passed through the room with the quick statement, "Well, I suppose something like this is going to raise all kinds of questions for you but I'm sure you'll find out more on your own than you'd ever get from me."
That was my "talk with dad" and my friend and I both commented on how much we would have loved to have it go further but it didn't.
In the end all we really had was what we picked up from the street which was mostly vague, crude, and inaccurate. George Rivard, who had the paper route next to mine, told me one day, "You know how they make babies, don't you?" Of course I said, "Sure. What do you think, I'm dumb, or something!" He proceeded to tell me that the process was very painful and had to be done in a doctors office. It was so painful that people could only "stand it" for a short time. That was his explanation as to why most births were single. IF the couple could "stand it" for longer they might have had twins. Or if they were REALLY strong and could last longer they might have triplets. In some strange way it made sense to a 10 year old.
Still, the climate in my family didn't ever allow for free conversations on this level. Consequently, I grew up not knowing what was "normal" and always felt that I was different from other boys my age. It took a long time for me to find a balance and get to an understanding of who I was and what I was all about.
What would I have preferred to have taken place?
I would have liked it if my father could have told me that there are always questions that we want answers to and "questions" are always OK. If he could have communicated to me, "no matter what you are worried about you can ALWAYS come and ask me." It's not necessary for fathers to "spill their beans" and tell their sons the awful things that happened to them as a result of their own fathers inability to speak openly. But they MUST be able to instill a confidence and trust in their relationship with their sons so that they, the sons, feel comfortable bringing up ANY questions that they have in the area of growing up and becoming sexually mature.
As an aside that doesn't really fit into this "blog" - but still has ramifications on the whole subject of "parents talking to their children" I will tell you something my older sister shared with me. She said that our mom came to her at the start of her teen years and said, "I want to talk to you about some things that were never really well explained to me when I was your age. My mother never told me ANYTHING and I was so distressed about what was happening to me - without having any explanation - that I swore that I would never let a daughter of mine go through the same experience. Now, I'm glad that we've had this conversation."
And that was IT! That's all she said. I think we can do more than that.
In all my years as a religious I have tried to always present a "climate" of openness with people that I talk with. I have a confidence about who I am and what I'm all about and I share that with people who talk with me. If a father is nervous about this "talk" that will come across to a young son who will then interpret that this is not an area where we can talk openly. Fathers need to know that they need to accept their sons at the place where they are and not show any shock or alarm at what is being said. That seems to me to be the first step: listen; respond; don't judge; explain - as is best suited to the situation. When a teenager asks, "what's all this 'stuff' happening to me?" he doesn't need to know about which sexual position you prefer... all he needs to know is that what's happening and going on in his life is a natural part of growing up...
Stephen 65+, across the ocean...
(Photo courtesy of Grace Minton)
