"Stat-Man"

Got an e-mail today from "Stat-Man" who is 48 years old and lives "South of the North Border" You guys are great - keep those stories coming! MJ

Here's what "Stat-Man" wrote:

On the topic of child rearing, gosh where to begin.  My approach today is far different than it was 20 years ago with the first child.  I was in my mid 20's, a full time engineering student, a home owner, a husband, a father of a two year old daughter, and I drove two hours a day to get my education every day for four years.

I have photo's and videos of me playing with my little girl but not nearly enough memories.  I was struggling to keep my head above water in school. Spending time with my wife was second to my education and time with my daughter was a distant third.

I would say it has come back to haunt me a bit today. We try to bond but it seems at a distance. Perhaps it is just her personality... and mine.  I am certain that our relationship would be better today had I spent more quality time with her.  I have to say that today I deeply regret the choice to make my education a top priority so long ago.

Today my wife and I still have two children at home with us: a 14 year old son and a 10 year old daughter.  The 14 year old is our adopted child from another country.  The 10 year old is our biological child.

When my son arrived in this country on his 1st Birthday it seemed to him as though he had been with us since birth.  You couldn't find a happier little boy.  I struggled with my new son at first... make that for 12 years.  He and I were not on the same page.  I was looking for a man and not a boy.  When was he ever going to grow up and go fishing with me and learn to spit? Instead he played the piano, the trumpet... and video games.

Something happened a year ago.  I went to a jazz band performance and my son performed a solo.... he was amazing.  He hit every single note with perfection. The rest of the kids struggled with their solo's. After the show I walked up to him and embraced him and told him how well he had performed.  Something changed in both of us that day.  I had finally accepted him for what he was.  He was not a basketball player like I had hoped for.  He can't stand to go fishing and that is my one true passion beyond my faith and my work.

Instead he is smart... very smart, compassionate, sensitive and a musician (sorry Michael).  Finally I am okay with that.

Our relationship is still short of perfect but now we do things together.  We fix things around the house. He loves to show me that he knows more about computers than I do.  We go out for burgers and fries from time to time.  We go golfing occasionally.  Best of all we just talk.... man to man.  Forget about talking about sex.  He knew everything by the time he was 10 or 11. In the public schools there is no way to prevent that from happening.

He came to me on his own one day and admitted that he had experimented with masturbation.  Imagine the look on my face as he admitted this.  We talked about it.  I told him that I had heard that 95% of males will admit that they have masturbated at some point in their lifetime and that the other 5% are liars.  I was honest about what the Church says about masturbation and because of that I knew he would want to stop.  As far as I can tell he has.

He keeps very little from me.  He is an open faced book when it comes to his emotions.  He explodes from time to time and so do I.  Then we admit we were wrong and we hug.  I think he hugs me and tells me he loves me about an average of ten times a day... this at the age of 14 and soon to be 15.  He also talks of possibly considering the priesthood one day.  I don't push it on him but I do try to put him in a position to be around a priest in a setting away from church. Dinner is a great place for that.

The bottom line here is that he adores me.  All he wants is my love, affection and my attention.  He wants to please me and it tears him apart when he lets me down.  I was unable to do that for the first 11 years he was with us because I was too self absorbed in my work and I was too busy waiting for him to be the son I thought I wanted.  I am Glad that I was wrong.

Now for the ten year old daughter.  A miracle baby. She has daddy wrapped around her finger.  In her I see all of the selfish mistakes I made in "raising" my first daughter.  She still sits on my lap to watch a TV show.... something girly of course.... never football. Every night she wants me to pray with her and give her a blessing.  At the supper table she is the first to say let's pray.  We enjoyed supper with three priests a while back and she was the one to remind us to pray before we ate.

She laughs at me when I loose my cool.  She watches my tears when I watch a sad movie.  She snuggles with me when we pray the Rosary as a family. I still work too much but I am far more dedicated to my kids today.  It wasn't my kids that needed to grow up, it was me.

Call me “Stat-Man” - I am 48 and I live South of the North Border